I'm Fine

I’m fine, oh you know, I’m alright.

It’s what you say isn’t it?

When someone asks how you are you say something like that.

BUT… what if you were honest?

What if you said, I’m in pain, I’m struggling, I need help.

How would that look? How would that feel?

Vulnerable? Absolutely.

Scary? Very.

Uncomfortable? Almost certainly.

But what if you really need someone to notice, to really see you and your pain?

At a recent event I was chatting to someone I see about twice a year, last time they saw me was a good day and I was feeling good.

This time I wasn’t.

I was exhausted (physically and mentally), in pain, struggling with sensory overload and feeling very fragile.

They didn’t see any of that, they saw the me from our last meeting and I didn’t know how to tell them that was no longer the case, I don’t like to burden people and I don’t like to make a fuss so I just smiled and said what I usually say and it was fine.

Later that same week I was explaining to someone else about the impact that event had had on me – and they got it, they really understood in a way that made me feel so seen I started to cry.

It really made me think - how often do we say “I’m fine” in order to protect other people from the discomfort of knowing you’re not really fine?

How do you share how you really are without feeling like a burden or bringing everyone down?

I often say I’m fine when I’m not because it’s easier – it means I don’t have to explain or justify anything, it means people don’t say things like “hope you feel better soon” which I know is meant well but doesn’t really cover it when you have a chronic condition.

Saying “I’m fine” means I don’t have to feel guilty when people are sympathetic; it means I don’t have to try and explain my condition and it’s associated issues.

It also means people don’t have to quantify how they’re feeling if they’re below par, because pain is not a competition! Just because I have a chronic pain condition doesn’t mean the pain from your broken ankle is any less valid!

I came across the above graphic on Instagram from @awarenessforPOTSIES which has given me some ideas of what to say next time and I’m going to do my best to use them in the forthcoming holiday season.

Sometimes, I really struggle to say “I’m fine” or can’t manage it at all when I’m not because it’s too much of a stretch and the last thing I need when I do manage say “I’m not ok” is people trying to jolly me along (have you tried yoga?) so even then I will pretend or avoid the question entirely.

Thanks for reading

Ax